Well, here we are again in the familiar cycle of the holidays ending, a new year beginning, and the emotional cost of trying to reel it all back in. I can feel the angst in the air as I move through the gym, seeing an influx of new faces pressured by New Year’s resolutions. At the grocery store, carts once filled with baking supplies, eggnog, and wine are now stocked with salad greens and lean meats. The well-known cycle of indulgence, shame, indulgence is at its peak.
Let’s put on our therapy hats and look at this from a somatic and Internal Family Systems based perspective. Indulgence is rarely a single behavior; it’s a response to something larger happening internally. In IFS terms, there is often a part that reaches for distraction, relief, comfort, or pleasure because the system is depleted or overwhelmed. Alongside it is the critic, tightening rules and judgment in an effort to prevent harm. Neither part is the problem. Both are responding to a nervous system that learned safety through vigilance rather than attunement.
More rules tend to create more backlash, reinforcing patterns that can be harmful over time. It’s like a game of tug-of-war that keeps recruiting more players all pulling harder and harder, yet no one actually wins. The cost is high, and no one feels well until the internal system itself changes.
When we slow down and listen through the body, indulgence usually announces itself before the behavior ever happens: a tight chest, heavy limbs, restlessness, urgency, collapse, or a sense of being “done.” These sensations aren’t obstacles to overcome; they’re information. They tell us about fatigue, capacity, and unmet needs.
From an IFS lens, the work isn’t to override the indulgent part, but to approach it with curiosity. What is it trying to provide? What does it fear would happen if it stopped? When the underlying need is acknowledged, the intensity of the behavior often softens. The system no longer has to shout to be heard.
Listening in this way doesn’t mean abandoning structure or intention. It means slowing down and becoming curious about what’s happening internally before making a choice. Change stops being about discipline and starts being about meeting real needs. Perhaps we don’t want a doughnut, we want support. We don’t need a glass of wine, we need space to be heard and heal. We don’t need a social media binge, we need genuine connection. White knuckling, avoidance, and numbing haven’t worked so far. Perhaps learning to listen to your internal family is the doorway to something different.
Four Ways to Begin Listening
1. Connect.
As you lean in to explore the part of you that wants the behavior, see if you can sense it in the body. Notice where it shows up, its location, temperature, tension, or energy. If the inner critic starts chiming in, gently ask it to step back and give you a little space. You are not here to change or correct anything, just to connect with the part that is asking for something.
2. Track the body, not the behavior.
Instead of asking, “Why am I doing this?” try asking, “What was happening in my body just before the urge showed up?” Notice sensations, shifts in energy, or emotional tone. This helps move you out of self judgment and into awareness.
3. Get curious about the part, not the rule.
When the urge to indulge arises, see if you can internally ask, “What are you hoping to give me right now?” You are not agreeing or disagreeing, just listening. Often, naming the intention brings immediate softening.
4. Explore support before escalation.
Ask yourself, “If I did not have to earn rest, comfort, or relief, what might actually support me right now?” This opens the door to meeting needs earlier, before they require intensity to be noticed.
Indulgence is not a moral failure or a lack of discipline. It is feedback. When met with somatic awareness and compassion for our parts, it becomes a doorway, not to control, but to deeper self trust and regulation.
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